“It can’t be Rolf Harris. It must have been Dave Lee Travis” say public

rolf harris

The British public have today responded to Rolf Harris’s charges with a united voice. “It can’t have been Rolf. It must have been Dave Lee Travis”.

Harris who brought such hits to us as ‘two little boys’, ‘jake the peg with his extra leg’, and more recently ‘Let me do you up the wrong’un sheila’ has by no means been found guilty at this stage. But many members of the public feel it shouldn’t have even gone this far. One passer by told us  “He shouldn’t even have been questioned. They should have questioned Dave Lee Travis instead. And maybe they did. That’s it, that’s what must have happened. And the papers got it wrong”.

Dave Lee Travis has denied vehemently that it was him instead of Rolf Harris that has been questioned by police over sexual offences. “It wasn’t me. Well not on this particular occasion. But it can’t have been Rolf can it?  That bloke with a wobble board who does animal hospital? Maybe it was me after all. Fuck it, I’ll just take the rap anyway”.

Meanwhile Judge Pickles, who would be unlikely to preside over such a case should it come to court, has made it quite clear that he would only consider a criminal conviction as a last resort. “I’m not finding him guilty of anything. I’ve got all his records and I own some of his art work. And in any event I’m dead. Not so dead that I won’t see that Dave Lee Travis behind bars though” he added.

Though the exact nature of the accusations against Mr Harris remain secret, including the dates that the offences may or may not have happened, alibis are coming in thick and fast.  One such alibi provider Mr Bert Onions told us “I’ve been with Rolf every day for forty years and I’ve never seen him up to no good. It was probably someone else with a beard like Father Christmas or Captain Birdseye.  Or Jeremy Beadle”.

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