“Welsh people should have listened to us” say crystal healers

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Welsh people could have avoided their present measles epidemic if they had simply planned ahead and booked themselves in for crystal therapy sessions according to the National Association of Crystal Healing Therapists today.

Speaking at press conference, a spokesman for the Association explained “It’s all a bit irresponsible. Everybody knows measles is caused by sluggish ‘Chi’ energy travelling too slowly between Chakras. A bit like being on one of those slow trains that stop at every little station.  If you’re travelling slowly between Chakra stations on your Chi train then you are far more susceptible to ‘Negative Energy Pikeys’ who remove parts of the rails for scrap metal. If your Chi train then comes to a halt it’s too late. You’ve got measles and it’s all your fault.  And if you could have prevented it in advance by inserting an amethyst into your anus, you’re going to feel a bit stupid.

We would like to be able to say that Welsh people have taken up the chance to have clean healthy auras, and chakras as fit as a butcher’s dog, and taken up crystal therapy in their droves. But they haven’t. They’ve just sung a lot of songs,  gone down mines and taken the piss. And that’s why they’ve all got measles “.

We spoke to holistic medicine advocate Layla Moonchild who had just emerged from having Hopi Ear candle treatment. “I’ve never had measles” she told us  “and I put that down to regular crystal therapy, colour therapy, magnet therapy, vibrational medicine and chiropractic treatment. Mind you my bastard parents vaccinated me against measles as a child. They’re bloody  lucky I’m not autistic”.

Roman Hawkmoon of herbal pharmacy and natural remedy shop ‘Herbsavers’ echoed very much the same sentiments. ” Science is bad. Natural things are good. Apart from bad natural things like measles”.

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