Tesco “If you don’t like us you can fuck off”

Tesco’s annual profits have fallen for the first time in almost 20 years, as the UK’s biggest supermarket confirmed it was pulling out of the US. Largely due to the failure of their US supermarket venture “Fat and Shooty”, a spokesman for the chain issued a statement in which he appealed to lost customers on both sides of the Atlantic “If you don’t like us, you can fuck off”.

Chief Executive Philip Clarke says the UK is the most important market for Tesco and where they will be focusing all their efforts. “But there’s probably a Sainsbury’s nearby and if we’ve done something to offend you, you can always go there. I mean, don’t do us any fucking favours”.

Retail expert Michael Trousers was quick to defend the actions of Tesco. “We’ve had years of ‘gold plated customer service’ and ‘driving the business forward’. Tesco have realised that it’s about time we all grew up and stopped being so needy. So from now on they’ll be selling food and some other stuff and you can either buy it or take a long walk of a short cliff. The others will follow suit if they’ve got any sense”.

The change in tide comes as Morrisons have offered another price match promise entitled  “If you can find it cheaper elsewhere, you can shop there instead”  and Waitrose’s new slogan “Good food randomly priced” where the prices of actual items are not revealed until a customer hands over their debit card. The long awaited new edition of “Which Supermarket” is expected to suggest just going to the one that’s nearest. Or not. “You’re confusing us with a publication that gives a shit” a spokesman told us.