Customer fury as Tesco substitute hen’s eggs for dog eggs

A Tesco customer was left fuming after returning home with her click and collect order to find that her usual hens’ eggs had been substituted with dogs eggs.

Supermarkets urge public to stop whinging on about their filthy chickens

Supermarkets throughout Britain are urging the public to stop whinging on about their filthy chickens and get on with the serious business of panic buying all sorts of shit in time for the festive bank holiday later in December. A spokesman for the National Association of Supermarkets explained “We could spend money on non-filthy chickens […]

Supermarkets unable to charge for vegetables under ancient foraging laws

Britain’s Supermarkets apart from Iceland have told shareholders to stay calm at the news that ancient foraging laws mean they are unable legally to charge for fruit, meat or vegetables on the proviso that they could have been picked, dug up or hunted in Britain. A spokesman for the National Association of foragers told us […]

Tesco flees the country

Supermarket giant Tesco is rumoured this evening to have fled the country having been released today on bail following an interrogation by the serious fraud office. One industry insider told us “There’s no cast iron proof of guilt just yet but that Tesco’s not stupid and obviously decided to do a runner before they put […]

Tesco to offer free cheese

In a bold move designed to drastically change the fortunes of the ailing supermarket giant, Tesco have announced this morning they are going to stop charging for all mainstream varieties of cheese with immediate effect. Chief Executive Dave Lewis said customers who had turned their backs on Tesco would soon be coming back in droves […]

Tesco to beat its staff with a shitty stick

Supermarket giant Tesco is said to be taking the unusual step of beating its staff to within an inch of their lives using a shitty stick in order to get to the bottom of how its projected half year profits were overstated by £250 million. Tesco CEO Dave lewis told us “We’ve tried paying our […]

Festie goers fury as Boomtown festival bankrolled by Tesco

Tesco have become the envy of Asda, Morrisons and Aldi as it has emerged that they are bankrolling the Boomtown Fair in Hampshire this year. Intended to provide a much needed injection of cool into the flagging supermarket giant and a much needed injection of chopped and shaped meat derivative products, such as twizzly chicken […]

Tesco “We’re watching you buy our shit food”

Tesco have answered critics of their new face scan technology and subsequent targeted advertising with the following explanation. “We’re just watching you buy our shit food.” The supermarket giant has come under fire today for it’s new face recognition technology which looks at your face and deep into your soul. It then uses sophisticated technology […]

Tesco “If you don’t like us you can fuck off”

Tesco’s annual profits have fallen for the first time in almost 20 years, as the UK’s biggest supermarket confirmed it was pulling out of the US. Largely due to the failure of their US supermarket venture “Fat and Shooty”, a spokesman for the chain issued a statement in which he appealed to lost customers on […]

Findus simply victims to devious cows

Findus have issued a statement today explaining that they have themselves been the victim of an elaborate scam by cows who have managed to persuade gullible horses to take their places in abattoirs. It’s thought that organised cells of cows have managed to swap places with horses using a mixture of outright lies and emotional […]