Lidl “You can paint your house with our gravy for less”

People will be able to re-decorate their houses on a shoestring according to budget supermarket giant Lidl following revelations that their gravy contains paint.

Russia sends Ukraine a giant horse as part of aid mission

Russian premier Vladimir Putin has today pledged support for an international aid mission in Eastern Ukraine by donating a gargantuan metal horse Speaking on TV channel Russia Today Mr Putin said “Eastern Ukranians have endured a terrible time which is obviously nothing to do with us, but we would like to lift everyone’s spirits a […]

N-Dubz Dappy eaten by a horse

Dappy from N-Dubz is said to be in a critical but stable condition today having been eaten by a horse. The incident occurred during filming of a new TV series where the hapless rapper is attacked by a different animal every week.  This episode’s assailant, a 4 year old thoroughbred steed, was just supposed to […]

John McCririck offered new job as a horse

A spokesman for Channel 4 has today asked that the John McCririck age discrimination issue be finally laid to rest as the veteran broadcaster is to continue working for Channel 4 where he will start his new position on Monday, as a horse. Sacked from his previous position of wearing a silly hat, hanging around […]

Findus simply victims to devious cows

Findus have issued a statement today explaining that they have themselves been the victim of an elaborate scam by cows who have managed to persuade gullible horses to take their places in abattoirs. It’s thought that organised cells of cows have managed to swap places with horses using a mixture of outright lies and emotional […]

Tesco “We’re not sorry and we’re going to carry on doing it”

Tesco have told their critics today that they’re not sorry about sneaking horse meat into their products and they plan to roll out more horse to a variety of new products over the coming years. In a statement this morning Chief Executive Philip Clarke announced “Haha! You all ate horse! That’ll serve you right for […]