Putin “I had nothing to do with the football violence or the invasion of Ukraine”

Russian President Vladimir Putin has confirmed today that he had absolutely nothing to do with the recent football violence in France and nothing to do with the invasion of Ukraine either.

Ban on Brits returning from holiday homes in France

British people who have second homes in France may have to just stay there, according to new legislation announced today by the Government. In a move that is seen by some as pandering to potential UKIP voters, those who own second homes in France are to be targeted for their reputation for coming back into […]

“What’s wrong with us?” demand Government as Romanians fail to arrive

The Romanian and Bulgarian ambassadors to Britain have been summoned to Downing street for urgent talks this morning following the complete absence of the stampede of immigrants expected on New Years day. Prime Minister David Cameron explained “We were supposed to wake up on New years day to find them all camping on roundabouts and […]

“Migrants will steal your houses and eat your pets” warns Daily Mail

A new influx of migrants expected to all arrive at the same time on Jan 1st 2014 will steal the houses of hard working people brick by brick before barbecuing and eating any household pets, according to a stark warning issued today by the Daily Mail. Keep Britain Britishy campaigner and Daily Mail knee jerk […]

North Korea prepared to use Chinese Burns

North Korea has been observed training troops to perform the fearsome military tactic of a Chinese Burn according to South Korea’s Foreign Minister.  Kim Kwan-jin has however urged caution and played down concerns that this could potentially leave the United States with a slightly sore wrist. In a statement via the Korean Central News Agency, […]

Tesco “We’re not sorry and we’re going to carry on doing it”

Tesco have told their critics today that they’re not sorry about sneaking horse meat into their products and they plan to roll out more horse to a variety of new products over the coming years. In a statement this morning Chief Executive Philip Clarke announced “Haha! You all ate horse! That’ll serve you right for […]

Baguettes to be shorter in new french austerity measures

French President Francois Hollande has announced this morning that in a new wave of austerity measures a limit of 24 inches or 60 centimetres on the size of a baguette will be imposed as of next week. “In France” Mr Hollande explained “social stratification is determined entirely on the length of your baguette. Someone on […]