Baguettes to be shorter in new french austerity measures

gerard depardieu

French President Francois Hollande has announced this morning that in a new wave of austerity measures a limit of 24 inches or 60 centimetres on the size of a baguette will be imposed as of next week.

“In France” Mr Hollande explained “social stratification is determined entirely on the length of your baguette. Someone on the minimum wage for example might carry a baguette of 12 inches in length, but someone in a far more privileged position might be carrying a baguette anything up to 10 metres long. Clearly to aid our flagging economy we need to trim these baguettes down to size and use the excess to pay off the deficit”

Former actor and now tubby businessman Gerard Depardieu, has undermined the proposed legislation by moving to the town of Nechin, belgium where he is reportedly been granted permission to live tax free in a huge baguette which contains at least 6 bedrooms. Mr Depardieu will apparently be gradually eating this from the inside.

However there is speculation that the plan may have backfired on Mr Depardieu as recent Belgian legislation has cut back on the legal limit for the size of a bowl of soup. A source told us “It is commonly known that Mr Depardieu likes an entire bath full of soup at lunchtimes and new Belgian austerity measures will forbid that. He is going to have to keep nipping across the border and back if he wants to have anything resembling a normal lunch.”

Mr Holland has also come under fire for his attempted introduction of 103% income tax which he says “will pay off the deficit in no time”

UK independance party leader and MEP Nigel Fararage told us “This is why we need to cut ourselves completely off from Europe and erect a giant screen on the coast around Dover so we don’t even have to see it. Once this is complete my job will be done and I will automatically self destruct.”

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