Former Prime Minister and now Baroness Margaret Thatcher enjoyed a ‘very close’ relationship with moustache sporting Bongo film icon Ron Jeremy according to numerous previously secret correspondence. The letters have been released to the National Archive in Kew, South West London and show an unusually symbiotic relationship as the Porn King demanded public endorsement for his new film ‘Spunky Christmas’ in return for giving National Union of Miners Arthur Scargill a ‘proper seeing to’.
A former cabinet minister who wished to remain nameless told us “Margaret was obsessed with Ron Jeremy. Initially Dennis was jealous until he realised that Margaret didn’t want to be with Ron, she just wanted to be Ron Jeremy.”
Whilst Dennis Thatcher may have been comfortable with the situation, this mood was not apparently shared by the majority of the cabinet. Former deputy Prime Minister Geoffrey Howe told us “I used to live in fear of Mrs Thatcher turning up at my house unexpectedly. She would be sporting a false moustache and a large medallion and would tell me that she had come to fix the washing machine or fridge. Every time she would assure me that her intentions were honourable but the next thing you new she would remark on how hot it was and I would be expected to take my clothes off. If that wasn’t bad enough Norman Tebbit would always be there playing the wah-wah guitar. And frankly looking like he was enjoying the situation far too much.”
“Thankfully” Mr Howe continued “things rarely got further than that. Usually the situation would be thwarted just before Mrs T produced the marrow from her brief case. You would often hear a rumble in the distance and a strange siren that went ‘Ee-ugh-ee-ugh-ee-ugh’ rapidly increasing in volume. Nine times out of ten it was Sir Jimmy Saville. He was insanely jealous of Ron Jeremy as he wanted Maggie to be like him instead. He would demand that Maggie smoke a cigar and ‘fix things’ for some people. That would give me time to put my clothes back on and make my escape. Jimmy Saville has had a lot of bad press. But if it wasn’t for him, I’d have an arse like the Dartford tunnel.”
It is rumoured that the 1985 film ‘Big tits at the zoo’ was funded entirely by the conservative party.
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