Ban on Brits returning from holiday homes in France

British people who have second homes in France may have to just stay there, according to new legislation announced today by the Government.

In a move that is seen by some as pandering to potential UKIP voters, those who own second homes in France are to be targeted for their reputation for coming back into the UK bringing suspect European practices and customs.

One uni-cultural UKIP voter from Clacton-on-Sea “Them next door live half the time in France, which is fine, but whenever they’re back we dread the doorbell ringing for fear that it’s them with their shitloads of photos and tales of long bread and onion soup. Then they’ll tell us they’ve got a cottage but you can’t call it a cottage because it’s a gite or something ladida like that. As a result we barricade ourselves into the basement with 6 months supply of pot noodles until such time as they’ve fucked off again.”

One second home owner we spoke to expressed dismay at the decision.”There’s absolutely no point in us having a place in France without being able to regularly come back to England to laud it over anyone who will listen. If you think I’m going to spend my days eating fucking croissants and playing boule by myself because none of the locals like me without being able go back to Burgess Hill and tell everyone how infinitely superior my lifestyle is in comparison to theirs then you are sadly mistaken. In any event I can’t speak french. My life will be hell.”