Findus simply victims to devious cows


Findus have issued a statement today explaining that they have themselves been the victim of an elaborate scam by cows who have managed to persuade gullible horses to take their places in abattoirs. It’s thought that organised cells of cows have managed to swap places with horses using a mixture of outright lies and emotional blackmail, leaving the unsuspecting horse to be made into lasagne and the fugitive cows to go on to live life as a horse.

A spokesman from Findus told us “People think cows are stupid but they’re not. Many speak fluent horse and can show jump if put on the spot. They can also neigh to persuade unsuspecting horses that they should really be saying moo. So we’re as much the victims as the people that actually eat our slop.”

MI6 have admitted they have been aware of duplicitous bovine activities for some years. “Many of our techniques and practices have been learnt from cows” we were told. Indeed we managed to obtain part of a training pamphlet for one of the most notorious cells “Al Coweeda” which gives clear instructions for cows finding that they are due a visit to the slaughter house. It states

1) Don’t panic

2) Find a horse to coerce

3) Learn to speak horse and obtain horse papers

4) Start a new life as a horse

Though Findus understandably feel themselves to be the main victims in this situation they have however offered compensation to any unsuspecting members of the public that have eaten any Findus products ever. Customers are simply required to go to their nearest Tesco store and say to the cashier “I’ve gobbled a horse and I want paying for it.”

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