Festie goers fury as Boomtown festival bankrolled by Tesco

tesco festivals

Tesco have become the envy of Asda, Morrisons and Aldi as it has emerged that they are bankrolling the Boomtown Fair in Hampshire this year.

Intended to provide a much needed injection of cool into the flagging supermarket giant and a much needed injection of chopped and shaped meat derivative products, such as twizzly chicken knackers™ and bear ham, into hungry festival goers, it will be England’s only festival funded by a corporate brand. That is apart from Stelios’ Easy Festival which only costs £8.50 for 3 days but has only one stage with the same band playing constantly throughout the weekend.

A spokesman from Tesco explained “We’re not actually that different from the festival scene,we’re open all night, we sell alcohol and we let you know our special offers over the tannoy, a bit like one of those cool rapping people. We’re also particular on exactly where you can light a fire. And we sell bear ham. Do festivals sell bear ham? We do anyway.”

What is more, the supermarket giant has assured the very ethical clientele that Boomtown attracts that they certainly won’t be disappointed with the food and drink on offer this year. “Our food is flown in at great expense from far flung countries where we buy it from poor people for virtually nothing. So we’d be able to hand those savings across to you. Hypothetically speaking anyway. That must be better than buying your festival fodder from some ‘local’ who has most likely taken a shit in it. Every little helps.”

Whilst many regular festival goers are said to be shocked, outraged and appalled at the news, some ambitious young ravers see the situation as a perfect opportunity to enhance their CVs. One festival goer told us “It’ll be perfect should I ever decide to go on a Tesco management program. I can honestly tell them that I’m so devoted to their global brand that I got munted like a chimp at their festival. I’d say a job’s in the bag.”

One proud Boomtown organiser told us “Tickets for Boomtown cost less than Glastonbury and unlike Glastonbury they include a one minute store grab at any local Tesco. You’ve only one minute to fill your trolley. Anything after that you have to pay. Hopefully the Tesco executives will be socialising with the masses, as opposed to just hanging around in the ‘VIP bear ham’ tent, dressed far too smartly and smelling of after shave. Don’t be surprised to find Dale Winton there either. He loves festivals. And Tesco.”

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