George Osborne promises steam engines to the north

A future North of England could see it’s major cities connected by a series of steam trains, running several times a week according to plans announced today by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne.

Speaking at a packed press conference in Manchester, Mr Osborne explained “For a northern economy to thrive, northerners are going to have to discover other northern towns having most likely never left their own one, and thus realise that they’re not alone in their funny little world of shit weather and absurd colloquialisms.

“Up till now if someone wanted to travel from Liverpool to Hull they would have to have to walk it over several days, most likely with their possessions tied  up in a bundle on the end of a stick. But steam travel will cut that journey time down to one day. Can you imagine that?

“And I would say to all Northerners, if you’ve ever watched Thomas the Tank Engine it’ll be just like that. Except it will actually be real. As real as you or I.”

There has been some opposition to the proposals. Mayor of Halifax Alfie Noakes has warned the Government that people will not stand for any witchcraft powered iron horses travelling through any of their snickets.

“Or Ginnels for that matter.” he explained.

However, northerners getting excited about being able to travel from Ilkley to Freckleton for a barm cake may sadly be in for a longer wait than they might have anticipated. A spokesman for the Treasury told us “At no time did George actually offer funding for steam trains. That must be done by private investors. If you have such a thing up there.”