European Commission President, Jean Claude Junker, will insist on Britain following the rest of Europe in driving on the right hand side of the road as a condition for any new deal brokered by David Cameron, according to EU sources.
It is likely that the ruling will not become compulsory straight away, instead being enforced gradually over a period of time, with drivers encouraged to just give driving on the right a try from time to time.
An unrepentant Mr Junker has told Britons that these moves may just be the tip of the iceberg and part of a wide range of far reaching reforms.”I’m afraid you are also going to have to say good bye to square bread and the widespread practice of constantly talking about the weather. I will suck all your Britishness out through a straw. And fill the resultant empty husk with Euro stuff by way of a continental enema.” he warned.
Scotland’s former First Minister and UK botherer Alex Salmond has assured Mr Junker that an independent Scotland will follow his directions to the letter “The moment we get independence we will finally be free to do whatever the EU tells us. And if that means eating schnitzel croissants whilst driving on the right hand side of the road on a donkey, whilst playing the accordion, then so be it. I for one will be rolling over and inviting Mr Junker to tickle my tummy in an act of submission.”