Britain braces itself for Queen’s birthday pub crawl

The Queen is due to celebrate her birthday privately amongst family and friends according to Buckingham Palace. However, the night before is open to anyone and will involve an eight hour binge around the many chain pubs prevalent in the central London area. A spokesman from the Palace told us “Her Majesty wishes that her subjects and the press alike will respect her wishes to keep her actual birthday a private affair. This is because she feels she will be still minging from the night before and at 87, will need a day or two to recover from her traditional pre-birthday pub crawl”.

A tradition that began in 1938 and involving the entire royal household, staff and anyone else who fancies it doing a pint and short in every pub between the hours of 4pm and midnight. Tradition states that the crawl can finish earlier but only if someone dies. One member of the public Bert Onions was already drinking when we spoke to him this afternoon at a Wetherspoons near the Palace. “I think it’s wonderful that she still likes to go out on the piss with her subjects, even if it is only once a year. I’m hoping the royal piss up will pass this way and I can treat her Majesty to a port and lemon or a jager bomb. I might even be able to sort her out with a cheeky line if she’s flagging” he chuckled.

The monarch celebrates two birthdays each year – her actual birthday on 21 April and her official birthday on a Saturday in June. The official birthday is seen as more of a stately affair with her actual birthday being the one where she can really let her hair down and get munted like a chimp.  Known to be ‘pretty generous’ with putting money in the juke box and very popular for her ‘catching the peanut in the mouth’ trick, this event is singled out as one that has ensured the Queen’s continued popularity over the years.

Sadly in recent years the annual event has not been without it’s critics. One bar manager we spoke to told us that he dreaded the Royal piss up passing through. “Every year we have the Queen with an L plate on her back and a traffic cone on her head. They all smoke in the pub and I have to put up with Prince Philip asking if people actually pay for this shit we call beer, and asking why we have such a wide range of drinks for woofters. Honestly, I’ll be glad when it’s all over”.