Trump “Nigel Farage must be Queen of England”

farage-queen-of-england

Nigel Farage should be made Queen of England in order to preserve Britain’s special relationship with the USA, according to president elect Donald Trump.

Queen to down 90 pints

Queen 90 pints

The Queen is to down 90 pints live on TV to celebrate her birthday on Thursday according to a statement issued by the palace. A spokesman for the Queen said “Her Majesty her the royal highness the queen will be honouring the nation by consuming one pint of lager for every year of her life. […]

Queen to appear on next episode of Who Do You Think You Are

queen who do you think you are

The Queen is set to appear as the guest celebrity on the next episode of popular genealogy documentary Who Do You Think You Are, according to BBC sources. A spokesman for the Corporation told us that the Queen, who is also rumoured to be filming an episode of Undercover Boss, wasn’t a big fan of […]

Queen “I was hailing a bus”

queen nazi salute

Her Majesty the Queen has gone on record today to reassure the public that pictures of her and the late Queen Mother performing nazi salutes were in fact merely the family hailing a bus. “Obviously on special occasions we would travel in an ornate horse drawn carriage with a big gold knob on the top […]

Queen urges legal high binge before law changes

queens speech

The Queen has urged all subjects to have a proper binge on legal highs before they are made illegal in her speech today. Speaking on the first day of parliament her majesty said “My Government will ban anything that looks like a drug, sounds like a drug or smells like a drug with the obvious […]

Queen urges a beer and a fight

queens speech

The Queen has used her Christmas day broadcast to highlight the importance of an alcohol fuelled punch up in sorting out personal differences in today’s society. Drunken fisticuffs she explained were a British institution that despite being used for hundreds of years to settle all manner of disagreements, was sadly dying out with pubs declining […]

Independent Scotland to get half of the Queen

salmond half the queen

An independent Scotland will most likely get half of the Queen according to legal experts. A spokesman for the palace told us “We’re all up for it but we’re not entirely sure about dividing up Royalty. It’s uncharted territory. Unless she’s very stretchy it would mean putting her on the border where negotiations would take […]

Commonwealth Games end as Queen sends lions in

queen commonwealth games

The commonwealth games has ended abruptly today with reports that the Queen has used her ancient yet rarely used power to release a pride of hungry lions into the stadium. The Commonwealth Games, previously called the ‘British Commonwealth Games’, before that the ‘Countries Britain has Invaded and Colonised Games’ and before that the ‘See if […]

Entire population of Sri Lanka play musical chairs for Prince Charles’ birthday

charles' 65th

The entire population of Sri Lanka have been spending the day running around an ever decreasing circle of chairs to music, having been forced to play musical chairs to celebrate Prince Charles’ birthday. In a lesser known condition of membership of the British Commonwealth, any hosting country is required to celebrate the birthday of any […]

Shops stock up as public start panic buying wild animals for Christmas

animal nativity

Departments store owners John Lewis, Debenhams and Timothy Whites are preparing themselves for record sales of live animals as many of the British public look set to recreate realistic nativity scenes in their own homes, planning to have the whole thing set up by early to mid November. One buyer told us “Many people imagine […]