Queen urges a beer and a fight

queens speech

The Queen has used her Christmas day broadcast to highlight the importance of an alcohol fuelled punch up in sorting out personal differences in today’s society.

Drunken fisticuffs she explained were a British institution that despite being used for hundreds of years to settle all manner of disagreements, was sadly dying out with pubs declining in numbers and beer becoming more expensive.

“My Government will attempt to ensure that all differences of opinion are once again settled in a local hostelry after four or five pints and perhaps a couple of whisky chasers. There’s nothing that can’t be solved by drinking the department of healths weekly alcohol guideline in the space of two hours and throwing a flurry of ill aimed punches.” She explained.

To many it seems no coincidence that this address comes as David Cameron has announced a ban on food in pubs, particularly stupid pubs where you have to remember your table number or get given a wooden spoon in a bottle.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn welcomed the Christmas day address but warned that only a Labour Government could bring pub brawling back to 1990s levels.

“Unfortunately people are no longer prepared to perform acts of sudden violence for having a small amount of their drink accidentally spilt  or someone looking at them in a funny way. It’s lazy and irresponsible because it may lead to further accidental spilling of pints unless it’s sorted out now and I mean right now, either in the pub or the car park. It ends here.”

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