The Queen has urged all subjects to have a proper binge on legal highs before they are made illegal in her speech today.
Speaking on the first day of parliament her majesty said “My Government will ban anything that looks like a drug, sounds like a drug or smells like a drug with the obvious exception of alcohol, so they can carry on getting squiffy on publicly funded champagne. No solid date has been given for this, so one expects ones subjects will get on it like a whippet up a drain pipe.
“My Government assure me that subjects who still wish to get munted like a chimp will still be able to buy such substances, but from criminal gangs and who will mix them with even worse ingredients. My advice would be to stick with the more traditional illegal substances.”
The news is not thought to have gone down well amongst young people unsure as to whether to continue with illegal legal highs or change to traditional illegal highs.
Indeed, one young person told us “My generation don’t want drugs that make you happy, relaxed or want to dance around a lot any more. We want mysterious powders made in Chinese laboratories that cause agonising nostril pain when sniffed and then cause you to only be able to see in orange, soil yourself and not be able to move your legs.”
Prince Philip also caused controversy by leaving the speech earlier than expected in breach of parliamentary traditions. “I’m off to get ordering on the internet. It’s last orders at the bar!” He told us.