Trump “Nigel Farage must be Queen of England”

Nigel Farage should be made Queen of England in order to preserve Britain’s special relationship with the USA, according to president elect Donald Trump.

EU referendum question changed to “Do you trust this twat?”

The forthcoming yes no in out EU referendum will show a photo of UKIP leader Nigel Farage with a simple question “Do you trust this twat?” according to a press release today by the elections watchdog. A spokesman for the watchdog told us “We haven’t made this decision lightly. We started with  ‘Yes I don’t […]

Farage fury at Left Wing town criers

Nigel Farage has spoken today of his fury at left wing town criers who, despite not being around very much these days, are most likely pursuing some sort of Guardianista agenda and need to be banned. Speaking to a heaving press conference sadly populated by left wing journalists who were probably hand picked by the […]

UKIP in turmoil as candidates suspended for scrumping

Wobbly eyed right wingers UKIP are said to be in turmoil today following the suspension of a number of their candidates for scrumping. The suspensions which are separate to any police investigations came about after complaints from a number of village garden owners, sick of constantly having to chase UKIP members away from their fruit […]

Farage fury as Facebook take down pictures of bell-ends

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has spoken today of his fury that his own image is no longer viewable on popular social network site Facebook due to new rules regarding the display of photographic images of tits, arses and bell-ends. Speaking via the ruder and more sweary site Twitter, Mr Farage said “I’m shocked, outraged and […]

Farage “We must guarantee jobs for goose stepping nationalists”

Employers will be legally able to deny jobs to foreigners, women, lefties and gay people in favour of goose stepping shaven headed nationalists adorned in full nazi regalia, should UKIP hold the balance of power following May’s General Election according to leader Nigel Farage. Speaking in an interview on popular radio station Common Sense FM, […]

UKIP fury at revelations Father Christmas originates from Turkey

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has blamed foreigners for ruining the British institution of Christmas as revelations emerge that the original Santa Claus or Father Christmas, St Nicholas, actually originated from the part of Asia now known as Turkey. Speaking to a hastily assembled press conference an angry Mr Farage said “Flying on an unregistered foreign […]

Nigel Farage to employ special ‘racist finding’ psychic octopus

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has announced new plans to identify racists within the party who may have forgotten to mention that they were racist when they first joined the party. It is believed Mr Farage has used his own finances to purchase a distant relative of Germany’s ‘Paul the Octopus’ who shares the same psychic octopus […]