Fracking protests to move to hotels once camping season ends

gandalf trustfund

Fracking protesters in the village of Balcombe have this morning indicated that they are ‘in it for the long haul’ and by October, when it is too cold to continue camping, will move their protest to surrounding 3 star hotels.

One such protester Gandalf Trustfund told us “If you think we’re going to sit around Calor gas stoves freezing our bollocks off again like we did with that Occupy London malarchy you can forget it. We’ll probably stay at Premier Inns this time and enjoy a leisurely morning protest walk after a full English breakfast.”

A spokesman for Best Western hotels told us “We  welcome the Fracking protesters and look forward to them taking advantage of our reasonable rates. For an extra £10 a night they can even enjoy our environmentally friendly package where the room isn’t heated, so no gas at all is burnt. They then only have the gas used to make the breakfast on their conscience. And the gas used to heat the shower.”

Ewa Jasiewicz, from the protest group ‘No Dash For Gas’, said that the move would only be until May or June next year when the protest or something similar would again involve camping. “Sometimes the hotels won’t actually be that local, but that’s alright because we can all keep in touch on our smart phones. And don’t forget the real message here.  Every time people even talk about carrying out fracking, a penguin dies. Every time exploratory drilling takes place a dolphin suffocates. And every time fracking itself takes place a polar bear falls off an ice cap that it has been desperately been clinging to.”

A spokesman for soap vendors Lush told us “Fracking is simply terrible and and we oppose it which makes us nice and means you have to buy our stuff.”


  1. Residents in sleepy Hawkchurch today called Cuadrillas plans to exploit natural gas from under the Old Inn as ” fracking unbelievable” A spokesman from the mining company Quadrilla told us to shut up and mind our own businesses. He added plans to drill from the nave of the church opposite the inn would lesson any environmental impact that their drilling never has. He said earthquakes caused by their decimation of local rock strata were either a coincidence in every single case, or an act of God. God was unavailable to comment due to plans to send His son back to sort things out. Local village spokesperson Hugh Chumleigh-Winklebottom aged 97 said it was a dark day in Hawkchurch. He went on to say it usually was mainly due to the unique microclimate that effects the sleepy hamlet in East Devon. He also stated he didn’t know what fracking was but was keen to find out. The Old Inn landlord Reginald Ponsonby Smythe the elder told us to shut up and finish our pints because we weren’t local enough to have an opinion in village matters. He also wondered if we wanted to book a table. Parish spokesperson Hilda Shuttlecock said it would bring many people into the church, but they must leave wellies at the door and consider supporting the church roof fund. All in all we found that nobody in the village had a clue what was going on, but were happy to be in the news.

    Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2013 08:29:40 +0000 To:

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: