Accidental death verdict as producers forget to feed Big Brother contestants

The management at Endemol were left red faced this morning as it emerged that their entire staff team had all decided to take their summer holiday at the same time, leaving the remaining housemates without food, water and far more dangerously, without attention.

“It’s a terrible cock-up” Emma Willis, who apparently now presents the show instead of Davina Mcall, told us. “The series was going on so bloody long, I think everyone decided it must be time for holidays.  If the cameramen hadn’t taken a break as well, someone might have actually watched Big Brother and found out that the housemates were starving to death.”

Big Brother, originally devised in the 1940s by George Orwell to promote a book he was writing at the time, has not been without its setbacks. The 1979 winner, Dave “look at me” Martini is still serving time in Belmarsh after his conviction for murdering the other contestants, and carefully concealing the bodies under the floorboards so no one would ever know. The only thing that led to his conviction was the fact that it was all filmed and recorded. The 1989 series was cut short due to housemates refusing to have sex, and the 1994 series lasted only one episode during which the housemates were alleged to have escaped via a tunnel.

We asked Emma Willis whether there would be any survivors for this evening’s Big Brother live eviction. She assured us that someone would be going over to the house to check on them any minute. “Everyone’s just back from holiday so we normally ease ourselves into things with a few meetings. But it’s the next job on our list” she told us.