“Jimmy Saville’s ghost groped my melons from beyond the grave” shocker

derek acorah

The Crown Prosecution Service this morning admitted that they were “unsure as how best to proceed” after the catalogue of accusations against the late Sir Jimmy  Saville have now extended to more recent offences from beyond the grave. “Despite being dead” we were told “it appears that Sir Jimmy is still up to his old tricks. But bringing him to book from the spirit world is a legal minefield and a legislative nightmare.”

Tracey Garlic (41) from Sudbury on Thames it appears, was allegedly in bed one night and woke up to find Derek Acorah fondling her breasts in an inappropriate manner. “I was absolutely shocked” she told News Toad, “particularly that it was Derek Acorah, who seemed such a nice chap when he was catching ghosts on that telly programme Most Haunted. So I asked him exactly what he thought he was doing sneaking into my bedroom and touching me in such a manner. He explained that he was actually the fairly recently deceased Jimmy Saville who had taken over the body of Derek Acorah during a seance. I felt absolutely disgusted that Sir Jimmy had decided to perform such an act, and also pity for poor Mr Acorah, getting sucked into things like that. He offered me a Jim’ll Fix it badge to keep quiet but I won’t be silenced. It wouldn’t be fair on me or Derek.”

Sir Jimmy it appears is not the only late celebrity to be accused of inappropriate sexual behaviour from the other side of the ethereal vortex. In the past month the CPS has received accusations of improper sexual conduct regarding the late Sid James, Michael Jackson and a number of deceased catholic priests. Each time they appear to have taken over Derek Acorah’s body in order to do so.

A Thames Valley Police spokesman told us “These are terrible crimes with deceased television personalities using the fact that they are dead as an excuse to behave inappropriately.  We have spoke to Mr Acorah who is ultimately the main victim in all this. He tells us that he feels powerless to stop frisky spirits from the other side making him touch ladies’ boobs. It’s difficult to know the best course of action from our side. We’ll probably wait until Saville reincarnates as another person in his next life. And then we’ll nick him.”

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