Nigel Farage to employ special ‘racist finding’ psychic octopus

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UKIP leader Nigel Farage has announced new plans to identify racists within the party who may have forgotten to mention that they were racist when they first joined the party. It is believed Mr Farage has used his own finances to purchase a distant relative of Germany’s ‘Paul the Octopus’ who shares the same psychic octopus powers but will instead be used to name those most racially prejudiced in the party and thus bring an end to UKIP’s ‘teething problems’.

“It’s quite straight forward. Every time someone joins UKIP we write their name on a mussel. Then we throw it into the tank and if the member turns out to be racist the octopus will let us know. Admittedly we don’t know whether he will do this by eating the mussel or by waving all eight of his arms around like a startled native in an old Tarzan film. It’s all in its infancy”.

Critics have argued that whilst this is a move in the right direction, it has its flaws. Conservative Minister without Portfolio, Ken Clarke, was one of the first  to express his concerns “You can’t guarantee the criteria by which an octopus defines racism. When it picks a mussel it might mean that a member is pro-apartheid or just that he crosses the road to avoid welsh people. Or even worse it could be a racist octopus just picking people maliciously”.

However Mr Farage has hit back saying that Mr Clarke is merely jealous and has insisted that  anyone failing the psychic octopus test will be brought to book.  Publicising  UKIP’s new motto ‘Racey not racist’  the UKIP  leader told us  “Of course we’re not actually going to expel them from the party this close to local elections but don’t think for a minute it won’t be addressed. Ultimately it’s all about education rather than punishment. We’ll make them watch episodes of Different Strokes and  ‘allo ‘allo until they realise that the world can live as one”.

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