1970s accused of rape

Police Commissioners throughout the country have cancelled  all leave for police officers for the foreseeable future as a warrant has been issued for the arrest of the entire 1970s.

The move comes after Stuart Hall, Ken Barlow and now professional fibber Max Clifford have revealed that any sexual crimes they may or may not have committed were influenced, encouraged or under direct orders from the years 1970 to 1979 inclusive.

Home Secretary Theresa May has announced this morning that all offending years and their accomplices will be taken in for questioning. “We’ve already arrested Dave Lee Travis, Max Clifford, Ken Barlow and Stuart Hall. We’ve now put warrants out for Humpty, Big Ted, Little Ted and the Fat Controller out of Thomas the Tank Engine. Basically, anyone who had anything to do with the 1970s will be arrested. Then we’re going after the specific years themselves.”

One such victim told us “I hated the 1970s. They would think they were perfectly entitled to keep pinching my bum and laughing like Sid James”

Another told us “I was never actually touched inappropriately, but every time I bent over to pick something up, the bloody 1970s would be right there, sometimes just watching and other times playing the trombone. They were basically stalking me”

“It’s a terrible shame,” one Policeman told us, the 1970s were famous, everyone thought they were great. But now we have to track every one of them down and in true 1970s style, beat a confession out of them. Some years in fairness are coming forward to help us with our inquiries but some have been quite evasive. We would ask members of the public to call us immediately if they spot 1973 and not to try to approach it themselves as it can be highly dangerous. 1978 is rumoured to have fled the country”

An official police spokesman however was at pains to point out “The whole decade was absolute filth, but if you simply stepped over the 1970s to get from the 1960s to the 1980s you have absolutely nothing to worry about.”