Cameron promises to be more racist as Lincolnshire declares independence from Europe

nigel farararage

David Cameron has assured the public that he will be more racist in the future as he makes plans to win back the votes of people who like to blame things on foreigners. “Obviously I made a mistake in calling UKIP members fruitcakes and closet racists, as it’s given them load of votes. So I’d like to rectify the situation. I’m a fruitcake and closet racist too. Bet you wish you’d stayed with me now you bastards.”

The move comes as much of Lincolnshire today declared independence from Europe and has begun moving all things vaguely European into nearby South Yorkshire. UKIP leader Nigel Farararage was busy supervising branches of Pret a Manger and Cafe Rouge being forklifted over the border when we spoke to him, “It’s going to take a while to get rid of all European cars, shops, restaurants, and turns of phrase, but c’est la vie. And that can fuck off for starters.”

The town of Boston in Lincolnshire which elected the same UKIP candidate to 3 separate seats has generally welcomed the move, with many feeling that it couldn’t have come soon enough. One Boston resident Alfie Noakes told us “I think the moment that we finish removing everything continental from Lincolnshire, all our problems will be over.  Personally I’ve always blamed our woes as a society on that long bread. You used to have to go to France to get long bread, now its everywhere. And that’s why we’re up shit creek. And pitta bread. The mainstream parties would have us eating it all day if they had their way.”

Mr Cameron however is confident that such knee jerk jingoism can easily be replicated under a conservative government and promised in a second term to put into action Nigel Farage’s plan to surround Britain with a moat so it is separate from mainland Europe. Narrowing his eyes to look vaguely like a Chinese person he told us “Ah so! Me dig blurry big moat!”

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