Johnson “I did it for Brexit”

Boris Johnson didn’t do it. But if he did, he did it for Brexit according to a statement from the Prime Minister.

In an impassioned speech at the Conservative party conference Mr Johnson denied that he had ever squeezed a lady’s thigh in a meeting, misappropriated funds, lied to the Queen, given government grants to his mistress, threatened to have a journalist beaten up, incited racial hatred or even encouraged deep divisions in society causing violence towards MPs.

“And if by some strange coincidence it transpires that I actually did do any of the misdemeanours listed above, you can be absolutely sure it was to honour the will of the people in 2016 who want us to leave the EU”  he assured.

“I want everyone to rise up in anger and burn the country to the ground so that my hedge fund owning pals who’ve bet against British business will make a fortune. That came out wrong and I didn’t in fact just say that. But if I did it was to honour the people who voted for Brexit in 2016 and may or may not have changed their minds.”

“It’s also alright because I’m now going to liken myself to Odysseus returning home to Ithica following the Trojan war or something.”

“I went to a posh school. I went for Brexit”. He added.