UKIP in turmoil as candidates suspended for scrumping


Wobbly eyed right wingers UKIP are said to be in turmoil today following the suspension of a number of their candidates for scrumping.

The suspensions which are separate to any police investigations came about after complaints from a number of village garden owners, sick of constantly having to chase UKIP members away from their fruit trees. Many it seems have led double lives, on one hand being the public voice of a borderline racist party of bigots whilst actually using their campaign trail as a cover for hopping over nearby walls into orchards and escaping with a small amount of fruit for personal consumption.

One angry apple tree owner told us that he had tried higher fences, putting warning signs up and even changing to growing foreign apples in a vain attempt to stop UKIPPERS pigging out for free.

“I thought I could get rid of them by only growing French Golden delicious or South African Granny Smiths but they’re still at it. Honestly they don’t give a shit.” He told us.

Nigel Farage has assured critics that he will try to complete any disciplinary action before something else comes up.

“This doesn’t look good. But it’s comforting to see that in addition to the numerous charges of racism, bullying, theft and harassment my candidates are also committing proper British 1950s Beano comic crimes such as scrumping and elaborate scams culminating in not having to share a picnic. So there’s light at the end of the tunnel.” He explained.

“Personally I blame immigration.” He added.


  1. You do know that outside the UK, “scrumping” means…uh…copulating? I enjoyed the unexpected amusement at reading this satire.

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