Independent Scotland to get half of the Queen

An independent Scotland will most likely get half of the Queen according to legal experts.

A spokesman for the palace told us “We’re all up for it but we’re not entirely sure about dividing up Royalty. It’s uncharted territory. Unless she’s very stretchy it would mean putting her on the border where negotiations would take place regarding who gets which end. But that all depends whether she’s standing up or lying down. She might just stand on a magnetic circle between the two nations and point in different directions sporadically like 1970s Quiz game Magic Robot.

However future President of independent Scotland Alex Salmond has assured voters that the division by whatever means of the monarch will all go without a hitch.

“It’s typical of the No campaign that they try to put barriers in the way of the sovereign will of the Scottish people to have half the Queen. Rest assured, however we decide to do it, the rest of the UK will agree with it no matter what they say now. It will run like clockwork, the sun will be shining throughout and it will be paid for by oil. ” he confirmed.

It’s thought that the Corgis, the palace staff, Nicholas Witchell and Prince Michael of Kent will not be divided individually, and will instead be simply placed on the border and asked to pick a side, the moment they are told to ‘Run around’ by recordings of the late Mike Reid.