New ridiculously posh lady to pretend to investigate parliamentary abuse

Lord Mayor Fiona Woolf

 

Lord Mayor of London Ms Fiona Woolf has vowed to leave not a stone unturned in her pretence of uncovering historical sexual abuse in MPs many of whom she knows socially.

“Let me be absolutely clear. The fact that I’ve always worked inside the square mile, am Lord Mayor of London, former president of the law society and know a lot of politicians has no basis on my appointment. And to remove any doubt I will be speaking with a cockney accent and pretending I have never met any of the people concerned.”

Unusually, several critics have come forward to suggest that the appointment might actually be a little iffy. One such critic told us “Many people were hoping that the abuse allegations might be investigated by that bloke Matt Allright off Watchdog and Rogue traders. Just like his television antics, his undercover team could trick offending MPs into admitting their crimes and then, flanked by a camera crew, he could bounce in dressed up as a penis. Failing that maybe we could have got a policeman in to investigate it.”

Home Secretary Theresa May has defended the Government’s decision to appoint yet another Government insider to investigate the Government. “It’s important that we acknowledge and learn from past mistakes. And then press on with the same old bollocks. ” she explained.

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