Reiki healer jailed for misdiagnosing and treating wrong chakra

A Reiki healer has been jailed today after a court heard that she misdiagnosed and subsequently transmitted Reiki to the wrong chakra which could have seriously affected her patient’s flow of chi.

Prison extremists to be played Black Lace songs

Islamic extremists in prison will be required to listen to songs by 1980s holiday dance outfit Black Lace, piped in so loud that it will drown out any attempts to exert a radicalising influence on other inmates.

Blair “Why did no-one tell me the Iraq war was a bad idea?”

The public must shoulder their share of the blame for not warning Tony Blair that the Iraq war might be a bad idea according to the former Prime Minister.

Blatter to continue to run FIFA from prison

Sepp Blatter will continue to run FIFA from prison should he be found guilty according to sources close to the cash snaffling football boss. A spokesman for the hapless front for a sporting organisation said that Mr Blatter would not be the first head of an organisation to be prosecuted for criminal mismanagement, and still […]

Prison now indistinguishable from a royal variety performance

Criminals throughout the country are reportedly owning up to their crimes and then committing more in order to ensure a custodial sentence where they will stand a good chance of being entertained for free by a plethora of music hall talent from the 1970s. One judge we spoke to told us “We’re getting through convictions […]

Conservatives to send everybody to prison

A solely Conservative Government will distance itself from the European Court of Human Rights and send everybody to prison, a party spokesman has confirmed this morning. Speaking to Andrew Neil on his weekday political show “Afternoon bollocks” the Home Secretary Theresa May explained: “Bang them up until they get used to it and it becomes […]

Riots anticipated as traces of owl found in prison food

Justice minister Jeremy Wright has ordered maximum security at all of Britain’s prisons as it has emerged that virtually all prison food contains traces of owl. The Ministry of Justice is to suspend a firm supplying meat to prisons after tests found that it may have provided pies and pasties containing traces of owl varying […]

Middle classes break into Victorian prisons in buy to let frenzy

Prison inmates have pleaded for greater security as the imminent closure of many Victorian style prisons has caused a Buy to let frenzy amongst middle class investors. Many prisoners have reported break ins in their cells and being woken up at night by smug looking city types with tape measures, more often than not applying […]