Islamic extremists in prison will be required to listen to songs by 1980s holiday dance outfit Black Lace, piped in so loud that it will drown out any attempts to exert a radicalising influence on other inmates.
It’s thought the policy to play all Black Lace songs but mainly the chart topping “Agadoo” came directly from Prime Minister Theresa May following her epiphany that the 1980s were comparatively lacking in Islamist terrorism yet 30 years on the charts are similarly lacking in Black Lace songs.
“Once you see a graph showing this it’s fucking obvious. It’s only political correctness that’s stopped us doing this before.” She told us.
“For a start it will cheer them all up. Instead of planning wanton acts of death and destruction in the name of a twisted depiction of their deity, they can join in with the songs and do all the actions as well.
“They might even start liking it. Which will be just as well because at Christmas we’ll be employing Black Lace to do a tour of prisons meaning that they actually get to hear the song or two they’ve been hearing 24 hours a day round the clock, but live. It will be wonderful to see their little faces light up like that.”
Recently sentenced extremist Anjem Choudary was unavailable for comment due to his recent incarceration, but a spokesman for the band Black Lace told us that the hate preacher would most likely come out of the experience a different person.