Riots anticipated as traces of owl found in prison food


Justice minister Jeremy Wright has ordered maximum security at all of Britain’s prisons as it has emerged that virtually all prison food contains traces of owl. The Ministry of Justice is to suspend a firm supplying meat to prisons after tests found that it may have provided pies and pasties containing traces of owl varying between 0% and 100% in make up.

The Guaranteed No Owl Catering Company who share their premises with Britain’s largest owl sanctuary were quick to defend their position. “We have been providing the prison services with meat products for 30 years and this is the first time that any owl has been found in our products. We would never knowingly feed someone owl and find the suggestion that we would quite offensive. Here you are. Have an owl.”

Long time lag Stanley Gibbons contacted us via Skype to express his displeasure at the situation. “I’m absolutely disgusted. I’m nearing the end of a ten year stretch so during that time I’ve probably consumed the equivalent of a whole flock of owls. Though strictly speaking the correct collective noun would actually be a parliament of owls or a clutch if they were baby owls. Either way I’m not happy.”

The investigation shows that in some prisons there was actually no effort made at all to disguise the fact that the prisoners were being fed owl. Indeed sometimes dinner would simply be an owl. One prisoner told us “Nobody minds owl every now and then but not every day. Monday we were promised fish pie. We had owl. Tuesday we were promised sausages. We had owl. Wednesday is owl day anyway but on Thursday we’re supposed to have slow cooked rib of beef with sweet potato mash and a bottle of Chianti, and guess what, we had bloody owl.”

The Guaranteed No Owl Catering Company has assured the Home Office that any owls accidentally killed and inadvertently placed in their products would have most likely have died from loss of all blood. “It would definitely be Halal Owl” they told us.

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