Conservatives to send everybody to prison

A solely Conservative Government will distance itself from the European Court of Human Rights and send everybody to prison, a party spokesman has confirmed this morning. Speaking to Andrew Neil on his weekday political show “Afternoon bollocks” the Home Secretary Theresa May explained:

“Bang them up until they get used to it and it becomes their ‘outside’ before banging them up in an even smaller prison in the prison.  And then have even more prisony prisons within prisons so if they don’t behave we can bang them up again. Or we can bang them up again even if they do behave. It’s up to us, not Monsieur Johnny human rights foreigner.

“The moment we break ties with the European Court of Human Rights we can set about punishing people for common sense knee jerk Daily Mail approved crimes. Like voting labour, embracing diversity, empathising with the plight of low earners and liking other people in general. Obviously they can’t vote in prison, but they’ll be too busy languishing in abject luxury with their own bed and free uniform to be in the least bit concerned about that.”

Former Conservative party chairman Jeffery Archer who himself has done a bit of bird in his time explained “It’s not that bad. I spent my time writing a book,went home some weekends and left in a chauffeur driven car because I’m special. But everybody loves to do a bit of chokey and I’d go back inside like a shot. Metaphorically speaking anyway. People in North Korea get sent to prison all the time and they love it because they don’t have to bother with these dull human rights. That’s why they’re always smiling when we see them on the telly.”