Nick Clegg to go into coalition with an independent Scotland

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has signalled that the Lib Dems may go into Coalition with an independent Scotland depending on the results of September’s referendum.

“They’ll need our moderating influence, otherwise they’ll just be far too Scottish. They need us.”

Mr Clegg has already ruffled feathers within the Lib Dems by not only changing the official party slogan to “We piss anywhere” but also suggesting that his party might go into coalition with the winner of BBC talent show, The Voice. “Whoever he or she is then they’ll just sing on television for a bit before fading into insignificance if they don’t have our moderating influence. He or she needs us.

“Vote for anything 0r anyone and you get us. Vote BNP and you’ll get us. Vote Islamic Brotherhood and you’ll get us. UKIP you get us. Even vote Labour you’ll get us. Go to Gambia and vote for President Yahya Abdul-Aziz Jemus Junkung Jammeh you’ll get us as well. We’re like dog shit. And by we, I mean me. I’m like dogshit.”

Scotland’s Finance Minister John Swinney has said that an independent Scotland will only go into coalition with Nick Clegg as a last resort. “We’re not happy with his stipulations. He’s already said he wants us to start saying yes and no instead of aye and noo. We like saying aye and noo. Particularly noo.”