Middle classes break into Victorian prisons in buy to let frenzy

ronnie barker

Prison inmates have pleaded for greater security as the imminent closure of many Victorian style prisons has caused a Buy to let frenzy amongst middle class investors. Many prisoners have reported break ins in their cells and being woken up at night by smug looking city types with tape measures, more often than not applying test pots of paint to the wall with little brushes.

“Look I’ve committed crimes” one inmate told us “I expect to get a hard time off the screws, I even expect to be hit over the back of the head with a PP9 battery in a sock but nobody said anything about hedge fund managers taking pictures of my cell with their iPads and saying ‘yaah’ a lot. I’m going to the European court of human rights.”

Justice Minister Chris Grayling has asked all solvent people to ‘hold their horses’ and wait until the prisons are closed and the prisoners relocated before attempting to turn the institutions into luxury flats. “It’s no secret that we’re going to take all prisoners out of Victorian style prisons and ram them into a giant warehouse. But there has been no decision made regarding turning the old prisons into luxury flats, no matter what we might tell our property investor friends at dinner parties.”

One such unexpected intruder Tarquin Palmer-Palmer-Palmer of Palmer, Palmer, Palmer and Palmer-Palmer wealth management was busy climbing into a cell window when we spoke to him this evening.

“Chances are I’ll end up buying the top floor so I thought I might as well start work on it now. I just can’t wait to tell my workmates that I’m ‘orf back to me cell’ after a days work in the city. It’ll be great. And when I go for a shit I’ll be able to tell people on facebook that I’m ‘orf to slop out’. Of course I won’t really be slopping out. I’ll have a top of the range jacuzzi to shit in.”

“I’m hoping they’ll let me keep a prisoner for that authentic feel to the place. I’ve asked for one like Ronnie Barker”

%d bloggers like this: