Donald Trump’s tax returns have been stolen by Muslims, thus preventing him from producing them for public inspection, according sources close to the presidential candidate.
Mr Trump said that he is the “least tax avoiding person in history” but sadly the only way to prove that is to deny residency in the United States to all Muslims who would otherwise just keep stealing his tax returns.
“I’m as upset by this as anyone else. I was looking forward to demonstrating that I am entirely honest and have a track record of contributing to society, as opposed to the hypocritical tax avoiding bigot that others might make me out to be. Unfortunately, due to Muslims or possibly women, maybe disabled people, or conceivably Mexicans, taking my tax returns in broad daylight, I can’t. And that’s that.” He explained.
“If it was those Muslims then I’ll deport them, and then invade the country that I deported them to and they will have to pay for the invasion.
“But if it transpires that it was those Mexicans that stole my tax returns, and if it then transpires on finding them that I haven’t actually paid a penny in tax out of my multi-billion dollar fortune, then read my lips, any taxes morally due, the Mexicans are going to have to pay them for me. And then pay for a wall.
“I would have loved to have shown them, just like every other presidential candidate since 1976. And one day when we have no more immigrants to steal them you’ll see I pay taxes bigly.”
One Trump supporter told us “I’m such a fan. He’s got those Muslims banged to rights. He’s not shitting all over the people he is claiming to represent at all.”