Prime Minister David Cameron is understood to be bringing back the 1980s Conservative cabinet from beyond the grave using a combination of medical science and voodoo according to Downing street insiders.
Former Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said “They’ve been trying to do this for the last five years. Up until now we’ve been able to stop them but now we’re no longer in coalition with them we’re powerless to stop what will in effect be an unfettered conscience free right wing zombie fest.”
One Tory insider told us “The trouble with today’s conservatives is they discriminate against the poor, disabled and diverse but they don’t overtly point at them and scoff in the same way as they used to. We need to get the old guard back and if that means exhuming some from their graves before breathing life into them using partly the latest technology and partly the black arts then so be it.
“It’ll be great to have the old team back. Norman Tebbit, Douglas Hurd and Geoffrey Howe. They knew their onions. Strutting around telling pregnant women they only got themselves in the club to get a bigger council flat.”
The news has also sent shock waves through the banking community who this morning received the surprise news that they will now be allowed to start behaving like monumental arseholes again.
Chairman of the Bank of England Mark Carney told us “We need to bring some proper 1980s city types back from the grave to remind us all how it should be done. There’s scientific evidence to suggest that if we blow enough cocaine into what were once their nostrils they’ll rise from the dead and start quaffing expensive champagne and shouting into oversized mobile phones.”