David Cameron has offered his heartfelt thanks to the people of Scotland for tactically voting to keep him in power.
Speaking at a heaving conference a gushing and grateful Mr Cameron said “Not only did you drive Labour out of Scotland, you scared your English cousins with the idea of a labour SNP coalition and drove out Labour down here as well. We couldn’t have done it without you. And the good news is it looks like I won’t need a coalition this time and I can do exactly what I like.
“And there’ll be a little treat for you all as well. Not only are we going to fork out for a brand new Trident deterrent to keep you all safe in your beds but tonight every Scotsman will be able to go to the pub of their choice and order the whisky of their choice. They’ll have to pay for it though.”
Recognising the success of the SNP in Scotland, the Prime Minister also made cast iron assurances regarding welfare and healthcare.
“All Scots will now have a decent income and top notch healthcare provision under a Conservative government. Providing they already have a well paid job and some sort of private healthcare scheme. If not they’ll be alright as long as none of them get ill.”
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne confirmed that he had earlier spoken to SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon regarding plans for more cuts north of the Tyne. “She sounded all for it but I couldn’t really understand what he was saying.” He told us.
“Now for a glass of champagne paid for by all my cuts..” He added.