Captain Cook, all his descendants and anyone who looks a bit like him will have to fuck off back to their own country following a landmark ruling today to ban all immigrants who attempt to enter the country by boat.
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said “We want to send the strongest possible signal to historical figures and their offspring. Including me. Otherwise we’re going to have western culture forcibly inflicted on aboriginal Australians for a good 300 years. And our religion. So we’re banning boats. Especially those cruise ships.”
It is not clear whether the repatriation of descendants of Captain Cook, and people that look a bit like him, can be by boat or whether Mr Turnbull is banning boats altogether. Also due to the lurch to the right of many other western countries, doubt has been cast on which Western countries will actually take these refugees.
US presidential hopeful Donald Trump said “If I am elected to rule a country historically based on immigration like Australia then I am going to ban immigration. I’ll build a wall between Australia and America. And Australia are going to have to pay for it.”
UK Prime Minister Theresa May said “We would be willing to take 5 or 6 of them. But their going to have to stop raising the tone of their voice at the end of sentences. And having barbecues. And adding O to the end of words unnecessarily.”