Captain Cook to fuck off back to his own country as Australia bans immigration by boat

Captain Cook, all his descendants and anyone who looks a bit like him will have to fuck off back to their own country following a landmark ruling today to ban all immigrants who attempt to enter the country by boat.

Australia in social turmoil as lack of British knighthoods gives them nothing to aspire to

Australians throughout Australia are thought to have spent the day largely sitting around in their underpants drinking tinnies, following revelations that none of them are now going to be knights or dames even if they pull their fingers out and don’t spend the day sitting around in their underpants drinking tinnies. One Australian, who had […]

Vegemite “just shit marmite”

Australia are rubbish at cricket and Vegemite is just shit Marmite according to Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. Speaking to a heaving press conference the controversial Premier said “It’s time we faced a number of  facts regarding our national icons. Koala bears smell and they poo everywhere. And vegemite is simply awful. We’ve been banging […]

Australian couple to divorce over incorrect use of apostrophe’s

An Australian couple has vowed to divorce “as a matter of conscience” unless societies across the English speaking world, reverse their apparent relaxed attitude to incorrect placement of apostrophes. Speaking to a heaving press conference married couple and grammar purist’s Nick and Sarah Jensen told us “We walked past a car supermarket which advertised Ford’s, […]

Australia to enter Eurovision with “Beds are burning”

Australian band Midnight Oil are already being tipped as likely winners of the Eurovision song contest 2015 with their song “Beds are burning” Though this will be the first time the country have entered the competition due to it being in completely the wrong continent, the show has a long tradition of being broadcast in […]

Putin promises G20 environmentally friendly Ukraine invasion

Viewed as an olive branch to ease tensions between himself and other world leaders, Russia’s President Vladimir Putin has today pledged to make his invasion of Ukraine greener and more ecologically sound. Mr Putin admonished the other leaders attending the G20 in Brisbane for avoiding such a serious issue. “The rest of you are putting […]

“Kneel minions” Prince William tells Australia

In a surprise change of tack today on the Royal visit to Australia  Prince William has called an end to engaging with people on an informal level and promised a return to general haughtiness and looking down his nose at the public in general. Speaking to a hastily assembled press conference through a megaphone from […]

Ladyboys acceptable in surprise Australian compromise on gay marriage

In a surprise turnaround from the Australian High Court this morning, the new legislation banning gay marriage and annulling recent gay marriages is to be reversed again under a number of strict conditions.  The law will now allow marriage between two men in the Australian Capital territory as long as one of them looks like a […]

Aboriginal Australians celebrate as Australia elects anti-immigration Prime Minister

Indigenous Australians throughout the country have been celebrating through the night at the news that under new management, all immigrants will now be turned away, a policy set to be backdated for the last 400 years. One Aboriginal Australian told us “It’s all been very nice but after 400 years it’s high time they all […]