Australia are rubbish at cricket and Vegemite is just shit Marmite according to Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott.
Speaking to a heaving press conference the controversial Premier said “It’s time we faced a number of facts regarding our national icons. Koala bears smell and they poo everywhere. And vegemite is simply awful. We’ve been banging on about it for decades but we’ve really been living a lie with everyone thinking everyone else likes it. Vegemite is just half arsed Marmite with added plastic.”
The move comes as the craze for producing moonshine from the brewers yeast inherent in the generic Marmite like spread is thought to have reached epidemic proportions in Australia’s alcohol free areas, and many politicians are now suggesting a blanket ban.
Indigenous Affairs Minister Nigel Scullion described the salty spread as a “precursor to misery”.
“People have even been making moonshine with it in areas where alcohol is illegal. After all it saves eating the horrible stuff, At least if we replace it with Marmite people might be more likely to spread in on their toast rather than making hooch.” He explained
A spokesman for Vegemite said “We’re not willing to reveal the exact ratio of brewers yeast and plastic that goes in to our popular spread. But I can assure you that if I could bring myself to actually try it I’m sure it tastes perfectly nice.”
Vegemite will continue to be sold at airports so foreign travellers can return home with a bit of Australia should they so wish. One member of staff at Sydney airport told us “If people consider buying a jar and change their mind I always reassure them that it will still be there if they come back in a few years. The same jar. Exactly where they left it.”