More than 300,000 households in Lancashire have been warned by the Department of Health to only drink alcoholic drinks after reports that all their water is now contaminated with a microbial parasite.
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said “We’re going to sort it out at some point in the next few days, but until then all adults, dogs, cats and children are advised to only consume lager or bitter. They’re northern microbes and sadly boiling your water doesn’t kill them. The only thing that does for them is beer. You’re all going to have to get a bit pissed and I wish there was another way. But it’s better than getting the squits. Unless you get the squits when you drink beer.”
Traffic police, who have been asked to draw a blind eye to drunken drivers until the crisis is over, have warned motorists against taking advantage of the situation.
“If you have to drive, make sure you’ve only been drinking weak to medium strength beer throughout the day. Anyone who thinks they can drive along doing shots is taking the piss and we’ll arrest you. If we’re not too pissed ourselves and crash our car trying to chase after you.” A police spokesman explained.
“And if your having trouble focussing, for God’s sake stop and do a cheeky line.”
The water south of the Watford Gap is thought to still be nice and clean.