Northerners warned to only drink beer

More than 300,000 households in Lancashire have been warned by the Department of Health to only drink alcoholic drinks after reports that all their water is now contaminated with a microbial parasite. Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said “We’re going to sort it out at some point in the next few days, but until then all […]

Old people piss their pensions up the wall

Old people throughout Britain are already starting to piss their pension pots up the wall following Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne’s announcement that they no longer have to buy an annuity with their pension pots and are well within their rights to blow it in one night. One pensioner we spoke to told us […]

Iain Duncan Smith “I could run a piss up in a brewery”

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has hit back at critics who claim that he couldn’t run a piss up in a brewery with the clear response “I could. I could run a piss-up in a brewery.” “It’s just a clear, simple and concise system. Rather than make the beer in the brewery and […]

Queen ‘getting right on it’ after £2M pay rise

Her Royal Highness Her majesty Elizabeth The Queen is apparently unavailable for comment today after the first 24 hours of “getting right on it” following yesterdays pay rise. In what was described by Royal sources as “serious result” in the form of a £2 million pay rise from the public purse, the Palace hosted one […]