Putin “Plane was shot down by escaped monkey”

According to Russian president Vladimir Putin, Flight MH17 was shot down by an escaped monkey who was out of control and had randomly managed to slip past tight security and set off a surface to air missile, as confirmed by the results of a full and thorough Kremlin led enquiry released today.

Speaking at a press conference the Premier explained “The chances of a monkey escaping from a zoo, reaching a surface to air missile and setting it off are slim but always there. The whole thing is terribly unfortunate but there it is and there is now absolutely no need for an international enquiry. We must draw a line under it. That’s the end of the matter and it is clear that the whole thing is in no way my fault.

“Admittedly a Russian produced missile and launcher just a few miles from the Russian border which is highly militarised, might look a little bit suspect. This is why I am absolutely furious that the behaviour of one monkey can put me in such a position. Honestly, I can’t even look at an ape.”

Pro-Russian rebels have come under fire from the international community over the last few days for restricting access to the crash site citing monkey security. One rebel told us “It’s the Ukranian Government’s fault for having poor security at their zoos. Have they not seen planet of the apes?”