Students must adapt and eat grass

Students must offset their dire financial situation by altering their own physiology in order to gain sustenance from eating grass, according to new Government advice issued today.

Newly appointed Education Secretary Nicky Morgan has pledged to create a lean mean education system with self sufficient students munching away on grass and hedgerows in lieu of any financial assistance.

“It was great fun changing grants to loans 25 years ago but unfortunately we’re not making any money out of them, and even worse,  poor people are still managing to wing it into higher education. If we take away their income and force them to eat grass, then they might think twice before they leave their lives of giant television screens and scratch cards.” She explained.

Universities Minister Greg Clark added “They’ll doubtless complain, but when did you last see a skinny cow? These students need to grow up a bit”

One student we spoke to was full of praise for the new measures. “It’s ridiculous for the Government to lose money on student loans where we could all be earning extra money grazing on people’s lawns and filling ourselves up to boot. We’re clever enough to adapt our physiology to live on turf or hay. Sadly I won’t be joining my studenty comrades as I have rich parents so I’ll be eating quails eggs and caviare washed down with champagne and the knackered liver of a force fed goose.”