Heath witnesses “None of it happened and everything is all right”


Members of the public concerned about any possible link between former Prime Minister Edward Heath and any alleged child abuse scandal have had their minds set to rest today as all witnesses concerned have now confirmed that none of it happened and everything is in fact all right.

One former witness who had promised to blow the lid on the whole affair told us that there was actually nothing to blow and there wasn’t even a lid.

“I was indeed prepared to spill the beans on a scandal that would rock the political status quo to its core. But thinking about it, I must have been mistaken and it was all something completely different and totally ok. Everything’s fine.” They told us.

“And this is nothing to do with any visits I might have received from people in dark suits. For a start there weren’t any visits. And everything’s fine.” They added.

Present Prime Minister David Cameron said “That’s a relief then. It’s all wrapped up and we can now draw a line under the whole thing.”


  1. George Kearton says:

    There are rumours tonight that both Thunderbirds (International Rescue) and The Muppets are to launch investigations into Ted Heath on the basis that everyone else is……….

    Jeff Tracy of Thunderbirds commented “we need to know who is pulling the strings” and links between Mr Heath and Miss Piggy are said to have been the reason for her recent split from Kermit the Frog.

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