Mark Steele “We should stop selling towels to Germany”

Hi I’m Mark Steele. I’m a cheeky young lefty chappy in his fifties. I was just reading about Spanish authorities charging Germans for leaving their towels on sun loungers over night. And I thought to myself, this is our fault. More to the point it’s Thatcher’s.

Ok everyone knows that the Germans annexe every bit of beach with beach towels. Sometimes they sew all the towels together so you can’t see any sand. Sometimes they send a man over to a resort to cover every sun lounger on the off chance that one or two of his fellow countrymen may decide to book a holiday there. Indeed, many Brits abroad are now content to simply stand on the edge of the beach watching their Germanic neighbours frolicking away in their allocated spaces by the sea, reserved by way of towel.

The sausage eating bastards.

But can we really blame Germany? Firstly, the German Government has banned the domestic manufacture of all towels and towel based sundries. to the point that there is no longer a single towel manufacturer in their country. Instead they rely on exports from the UK, usually hard sold to them by slick executives on commission. Secondly, German people don’t actually use towels in their own bathrooms at home.They prefer to dry themselves off after a bath, shower or bidet by shaking themselves rigorously like a shaggy dog.

We must look into our own hearts and ask ourselves “Am I truly innocent in all this?”

Many journalists in the past who have shed light on Britain’s murky towel trade have disappeared. But if it gets me a guest spot on Have I got News for you then it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

I’m a bit controversial.