Australia in social turmoil as lack of British knighthoods gives them nothing to aspire to

Australians throughout Australia are thought to have spent the day largely sitting around in their underpants drinking tinnies, following revelations that none of them are now going to be knights or dames even if they pull their fingers out and don’t spend the day sitting around in their underpants drinking tinnies.

One Australian, who had spent the day doing just that, said that the prospect of never being able to ponce around with faux superiority having climbed to the top of another countries outdated class structure meant that he now couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed.

“Without echoes of a 12th century British feudal system thrust upon us, life somehow seems meaningless.” He confided.

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said the titles were “not appropriate” in modern Australia, and that Queen Elizabeth had accepted the cabinet’s recommendation to instead adopt new titles unrelated to the British monarchy such as “Big Chiwawa” and “Wookie overlord”

“Obviously we’ll still be able to doff our caps to the British monarchy when they come over to grace us with their presence, and so have every chance to cringe and fawn in total deference on those special occasions.” He reassured critics.