VW cars run off the tears of dying baby seals

Volkswagen have been forced to admit that rather than using petrol or diesel their cars in fact run off the tears of dying baby seals, torn from their natural habitat by its ecological destruction, again caused by Volkswagen cars.

The firm’s board will talk to regulators about the consequences of its discovery, the firm said in a statement, adding that “the safety of the vehicles is in no way compromised”.

“You mustn’t let all that put you off buying a VW, We’re still that very same company that you love and trust and that was co-founded by Adolf Hitler in the 1930s.”

The admittance is just the latest in a catalogue of embarrassing revelations for Volkswagen. Already having confessed earlier in the year to stealing polar ice caps to use in their air conditioning and using the flailing wings of captured penguins to power their windscreen wipers, this will be a revelation that the car giant would have preferred to keep quiet.

One motorist told us “I see all these people driving around in Volkswagens and Audis and when I think what they’re doing to the environment it just makes me sick. I’m so glad that I have a Range Rover Evoque to drive around town in.”