Athletes on drugs should really be running at 40 mph and should be able to jump nearly as high as a house, according to a report by the International Olympic Committee.
A spokesman for the IOC said “I’d personally expect a trained athlete who’s also ripped to the tits on banned substances to be running as fast as a small car. And instead of throwing shot-puts or hammers they should be able to throw a motorbike or even a baby elephant. The fact that following the use of performance enhancing drugs our athletes are only running slightly faster than their non-drug taking counterparts is pathetic.”
Whilst Russia have remained tight lipped regarding why they have been taking drugs and only winning by a bit, the revelations have caused reflection within the world of sport as to why the drugs don’t work better.
British Olympic Chief and former athlete Sebastian Coe said “Drugs may be very bad. But if it means someone can run a mile in 2 minutes then I’m all for them. Maybe we just need to take more of them. Or possibly better ones.”
The news comes hot on the tail of allegations that much of the audience at the Brazil games took a cocktail of drugs that made the athletes look like they were running faster.
“It may be unusual to disqualify spectators retrospectively but we definitely will if these allegations are true. They had no right to enjoy themselves so much.” One official told us.