News Toad Special Report: Reiki Healing proven to work!

reiki healing

I have a confession to make. About 20 years ago at a minor music festival my mate Dave and I decided to see if we could earn a bit of extra cash by performing “Didgeridoo therapy”.  We would find potential punters with names like “Roman Hawkmoon”, lie them down and ask them to imagine they were floating whilst Dave would basically make a farty noise down a tube in very close proximity.  Sometimes our “clients” would be splashed with a moderate helping of saliva from the didgeridoo.  We would then charge them £5.

Sadly, the 30 odd quid that we made and subsequently spent in the cider tent, was tarnished with the knowledge that didgeridoo therapy might not actually stand up to scientific scrutiny.  If only, we lamented, we had been performing  a treatment that really does work, like reiki healing, this cider might not be so polluted with our guilt and bad practice.

Reiki healing was invented in ancient times (1926) when everything was better, more spiritual and far more natural.  It’s pronounced Rake-eeeeeh and works because we are all vibrating.  Ever felt a bit of a sniffle coming on, or a head ache, or a broken ankle?  You can be sure it’s because you’re not vibrating fast enough.  In fact sometimes the pitch of your vibrations can fall by as much as 3 octaves!  But before the skeptics, naysayers and “doctors” get on their soap boxes, let me explain exactly how this works.

In a healthy body we have rivers of rapidly vibrating chi particles which bounce from shakra to shakra like a big wet vibrating ping pong ball of loveliness, before swirling around the aura which is like natures spiritual safety helmet.  As the beach boys would tell you.  Good vibrations.  So what causes these vibrations to slow down?  Eating treacle may seem like the obvious answer but sadly it is something far more sinister.  You see your body is under constant attack from NEGATIVE ENERGY BEAVERS which build dams between the shakras that slow down the flow of chi.  Left unchecked these beavers which are completely immune to conventional medicine will continue to build dams leaving the body virtually chi-less and vulnerable to such afflictions as rickets, sciatica and in extreme cases, cancer of the aura.

So it doesn’t take Einstein to work out that we have to get the body vibrating again and fast.  Sites on the internet appear to sell “vibrators” for this purpose but ultimately we’re going to need a reiki professional if we’re going to stop those pesky beavers.  Preferably one with so much chi that they emit a faint buzzing sound like a bumble bee or electricity pylon.  Luckily there appear to be many of these healers with chi to spare which they can let you have purely by touching you.  And they all take major credit cards.  It is thought that the healer uses his hands to “lay an egg” of vibrating chi which he can then impart to you by placing his hands near the most affected shakra, or somewhere else.

Whilst this might seem like common sense, it is discredited slightly by distance reiki healing.  It seems that the healing properties of reiki can be sent to anyone or anything, anywhere across the world.  And distance reiki healers take major credit cards too.  This being the case, why would a conventional reiki healer want to lay his hands on you?  They must just want a bit of a fiddle.

So distance reiki must be the way to go.  All the benefits of increased life force vibrations for you, your friends, your business, your goldfish and no-one trying to “cop a feel”.  Sadly there is just one flaw to this seemingly perfect scenario.  Chi only moves at 8 mph and you have to stay in the same place until it gets there.  And if someone else receives your reiki healing and is cured from your cold, they’re unlikely to reimburse you, no matter how dishonest that might be.

So ultimately we in the alternative medical profession need to look at other, less flawed ways to transmit this super reiki life vibe power.  It does occur to me that the ideal way of transmitting vibrations at close range might actually be…..a didgeridoo!  After 20 years of mild guilt and notes to self to someday track down roman hawkmoon and give him his fiver back, could it be that I actually under charged him and should instead be asking for his credit card details?

Well clearly not.  We need to raise the life force frequency by 2-3 octaves in order to get the beavers to dismantle their own dams and the didgeridoo only plays one note.   What we need is a trombone, or better still five of them.

In order the prove the efficacy of trombone reiki, we took a cross section of generally unwell people from a Doctor’s waiting room and herded them onto a mini bus.  After a short four hour journey to our open air reiki centre, subjects were asked in turn to climb a small tree where our trombonists were strategically placed on adjacent branches to each play to the subject from a different angle.  The trombonists would then play the scale of B major over 3 octaves as loudly as possible.  I took it upon myself to ask “DO YOU FEEL BETTER YET?!” through a megaphone between every note.

The results were astonishing.  Not a single one of our patients took up our offer for further sessions, even when we explained we would be continuing to take payments from their credit cards.  That constitutes a 100% success rate for the first session, making trombone reiki over twice as effective as mainstream medicine and even giving aromatherapy a run for its money.  Once again one in the eye for the skeptics and further proof that ancient ways are always better.  Next week I will be explaining how crystal therapy revitalises the aura, and can cure us of our reliance on food.

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